You curl your toes into the sand. The clean, untouched air of the arctic strokes across your face. Your children are nearby, playing with the family dog and building sand castles. The expanse of the ocean seems infinite, the water indescribably blue, but some concern tugs at the back of your mind. "It's nothing, surely." you declare, anxiously. But, as you utter these words, you notice your dog behaving strangely - staring quietly off into the distance. Your wife, without warning, bursts into a fierce and hellish rage, destroying sandcastles and screaming obscenities into the sky, a fit of adrenaline-fuelled madness. Earthworms crawl out of the ground, a mass exodus of writhing creatures defiling the once golden sands. Whales burst forth from the ocean, glistening droplets of water falling to the ground as they beach themselves, and you stare on in horror, as electromagnetic spasms ricochet through your skull.
|The research from Sonus. END BEACH EXPOSURE NOW. (http://www.agk.com.au/coopersgap/assets/downloads/Pacific-Hydro-infrasound-report-Nov-2010.pdf).|
|Peacocks are well known to suffer relationship problems |
when exposed to infrasound, and so should be discouraged
from participating in beach volleyball (Source)
But how best to inform the public about the seriousness of Beach Rage Syndrome? Well, we already know the scourge of wind turbine syndrome from a highly scientific study conducted by US doctor Nina Pierpoint in 2009. Science, as we know, is the extraction of cold, hard facts from the natural world, through the rigorous and unmatched application of the scientific method. Pierpont chose 23 people, didn't ask about their medical history, and gave them a call. It was from these auspicious beginnings that the scientific broadsword of wind turbine syndrome was drawn from its sheath. This new, much better scientific method is unmatched in explanatory efficacy - I have already found at least 15 people, living near a beach, who have experienced headaches. In following Pierpont's fine example, my research will soon be peer-reviewed by my family and friends.
|When exposed to infrasound, chickens lay yolkless eggs. As is|
well known, this is why all beach chickens are completely infertile.
(Source of Truth) - This has led to a filthy chicken lifestyle of sex,
drugs and loud rock music, defiling Australia's once beautiful beaches.
Note - Ocean Syndrome is not to be confused with OCEAN syndrome (Obsessive Compulsive Equine Attachment Neurosis Syndrome)