Beach Rage Syndrome

You curl your toes into the sand. The clean, untouched air of the arctic strokes across your face. Your children are nearby, playing with the family dog and building sand castles. The expanse of the ocean seems infinite, the water indescribably blue, but some concern tugs at the back of your mind. "It's nothing, surely." you declare, anxiously. But, as you utter these words, you notice your dog behaving strangely - staring quietly off into the distance. Your wife, without warning, bursts into a fierce and hellish rage, destroying sandcastles and screaming obscenities into the sky, a fit of adrenaline-fuelled madness. Earthworms crawl out of the ground, a mass exodus of writhing creatures defiling the once golden sands. Whales burst forth from the ocean, glistening droplets of water falling to the ground as they beach themselves, and you stare on in horror, as electromagnetic spasms ricochet through your skull.

Stop giggling. This is no laughing matter. Infrasound, noise that is below the threshold of human hearing, can alter the fundamental biological operation of mammals in catastrophic ways. A report commissioned by Pacific Hydro in November 2010, authored by Adelaide acoustic testing firm Sonus, shows us that low frequency noise measured at a beach is at the same level (if not sometimes higher) than that measured at a wind farm.

The research from Sonus. END BEACH EXPOSURE NOW. (http://www.agk.com.au/coopersgap/assets/downloads/Pacific-Hydro-infrasound-report-Nov-2010.pdf).

All of the symptoms our beach-goers shall suffer have already been attributed to exposure to low-frequency sound. But we fleshy beings are more at risk than we once thought.  As it turns out, infrasound is a constant feature of the built and natural environment. Mark my words, dear reader, it won't be long before the laws of biology, chemistry, physics and genetics are completely re-written by the unfeeling, indiscriminate, vibrating hand of infrasound.

Peacocks are well known to suffer relationship problems
when exposed to infrasound, and so should be discouraged
from participating in beach volleyball (Source)

But how best to inform the public about the seriousness of Beach Rage Syndrome? Well, we already know the scourge of wind turbine syndrome from a highly scientific study conducted by US doctor Nina Pierpoint in 2009. Science, as we know, is the extraction of cold, hard facts from the natural world, through the rigorous and unmatched application of the scientific method. Pierpont chose 23 people, didn't ask about their medical history, and gave them a call. It was from these auspicious beginnings that the scientific broadsword of wind turbine syndrome was drawn from its sheath. This new, much better scientific method is unmatched in explanatory efficacy - I have already found at least 15 people, living near a beach, who have experienced headaches. In following Pierpont's fine example, my research will soon be peer-reviewed by my family and friends.

You're nervous, now, and maybe you are a little bit skeptical. You might ask exactly how infrasound could devastate the lives of thousands of people living in beach-houses. And sure, there's hundreds of thousands of people living in beach houses around the world who remain oddly unaffected by the terrifying clutches of infrasonic torture. Stifle your ugly skepticism, dear reader. For you see, some people are simply immune to the effects of beach syndrome. Why? We just don't know. Look. Never mind that. The most important thing is, there is not a single beach community that didn't have at least one person who had reported experiencing headaches, and that's surely evidence enough. 

When exposed to infrasound, chickens lay yolkless eggs. As is
well known, this is why all beach chickens are completely infertile.
(Source of Truth) - This has led to a filthy chicken lifestyle of sex,
drugs and loud rock music, defiling Australia's once beautiful beaches.

There are vested interests out there who will try to tell you that there is more to the story. These radical voices will tell you that you need to scientifically establish a causal link between source and symptom before you attribute an originator to an illness. Those charlatans will tell you that spreading anxiety and fear might cause some of the symptoms that we generally associate with......fear and anxiety. Don't listen to them. Go to your nearest beach. See for yourself. I don't have time to follow up on your personal investigation, as I'm heading off to Mumbai tonight - I have been informed that elephants communicate using infrasonic vocalisations. The people of India must be warned. 

Note - Ocean Syndrome is not to be confused with OCEAN syndrome (Obsessive Compulsive Equine Attachment Neurosis Syndrome)